Rejection Is Just Data

For the last two weeks I’ve written about asking, first a question and then, more specifically, a question about health. Both pieces came with a single action, and if you took either of them up you will probably have found out something I learned a long time ago: not everyone wants to talk.

Some people will brush the question off, some will change the subject, and occasionally someone will make it quite clear they think you’re up to something. That last one stings more than it should, especially for a man who has spent the past few years being quietly told no by the organisation he gave his best working years to.

The No You’ve Already Had

Rejection or at least its perception is something we have all had, I remember failing to be good enough for the local school’s district football team at the age of 11. I felt crushed, especially because my best friend was considered good enough. Strong emotion accompanying disappointment is a powerfully negative experience that deters risk. The impact continues into adulthood and all of us have those moments from childhood. How that experience in adulthood shapes a sense of worth depends entirely on how similarly desired results that are in the hands of others affect us, the promotion passed over for, the work review that seems personal, not objective. Nobody used the word rejection especially in the work place, but it landed the same way.

The trouble with that kind of no is the perceived lack of objectivity which gives you almost nothing to work with. It’s rare the real reasons are shared and so it causes a soul searching that gives rise to imagined reasons to justify the disappointment, you fill the gap yourself, usually with the least flattering explanation available. Over time it becomes an indictment on who we are to others, formed in our own interpretation of “facts” into a story that also becomes fact; too old, too expensive, not the right fit. Ultimately it is the past experience that determines the view of the future: I can, I can’t. I am, I am not and so on. The self image dictates the expected outcome and risking change becomes a step too far because it is anticipated to be too painful.

What a No Actually Tells You

In Part 32 I wrote about measuring rather than guessing, and last week I described how a simple blood test showed me that thirty years of good intentions with Omega 3 hadn’t been doing what I assumed. The result was just information not an indictment, although it didn’t save me from feeling foolish and misled. Knowing helped make a decision about change.

A no without qualification about the reason for it works in much the same way if you let it. The useful questions are the practical ones to establish their position, was it just the wrong time? Was it the way I asked, was I too pushy? Was this simply someone with no need for what I was offering? After getting this wrong for more years than I care to mention I concluded I simply didn’t understand who I was talking to well enough. I had to find out more about them to understand their position.

Thirty-Eight Years of Noes

Over thirty-eight years in this profession I’ve been told no more times than I could possibly count, and I can say with some certainty that the early ones hurt far more than the later ones. The noes themselves didn’t change, what changed was how I read them.

The noes themselves didn’t change, what changed was how I read them.

Rejection and the Ego

There’s a reason rejection feels so personal at our age. By fifty most men have built an identity and they are confident in who they are, competent at what they do and their peer group accept them for who they are. Starting something new means going back to being a beginner, and beginners hear “no” a great deal. It’s easy to mistake that for evidence that we’ve lost our touch, when it’s only evidence that we’re learning something new.

Structured participation is unusually honest about this. You can’t hide behind a job title or a department, people either want to talk to you or they don’t, and you find out quickly. I’ve come to see that as one of its quiet strengths. It gives a steady stream of feedback that most corporate careers never provide, sometimes it is painful to experience as it was as a child but with the benefit of the maturity experience brings, as long as he’s willing to read it calmly, he improves faster.

Keeping Score Differently

One practical shift helped me more than any amount of positive thinking. Count the conversations instead of the outcomes. You can’t control what someone says or wants except through dialogue that sometimes leads to a yes, but sometimes not. If you set out to have five honest conversations in a week and you have five, the week has been a success however many people said no at the end of them.

This also takes the pressure off the other person, which matters more than most people realise. When you aren’t depending on their answer that posture gets interpreted, and the conversation becomes easier. Some of the best working relationships begin with a no, especially with people you don’t know well, there is a likely residual lack of confidence that holds back agreement. Staying in touch solves a lot of doubt and circumstances change continually. A friendly conversation a year or two later can change an outcome. A polite no today is very often just a not yet.

The Signal

The UK numbers suggest that hearing no is the normal price of doing anything worthwhile, not a sign that you’re doing it wrong:

• Graduate applications: The Institute of Student Employers reported an average of 140 applications per vacancy among the UK’s major graduate employers in 2025. The highest number in two decades, and even the brightest candidates being turned down far more often than they are accepted.
• Business survival: The ONS found that 38.4% of UK businesses born in 2019 were still trading five years later. Most new ventures don’t last five years. The people who build lasting businesses are usually building on failures.
• Dyson’s prototypes: 5,127 prototypes were the number of prototypes James Dyson built before he found one that worked. Each failure told him what to change on the next one.

None of this matters, except to illustrate “failure” is more of a way of life than success, the pattern by which success is formed. Some of it seems lucky, but most of it is hard work and being able to take the knocks when they come. Desire is the biggest component of both success and failure, you can’t have the former without the latter. Rejection is considered failure, but desire drives its overcoming. Those who get somewhere are generally those who learn to accept it rather than run from it. Resilience, in business as in health, is built steadily in the present, one honest conversation at a time.

Your Move This Week

Have three honest conversations this week, and when one of them ends in a no, write down one thing it taught you before you move on.